Shame and Addiction: Breaking the Cycle

Addiction is often seen as a struggle with substances or behaviours, but beneath it there’s usually a deeper emotional pain. For many, that pain is shame – a heavy, private feeling that whispers, “I’m not good enough” or “something’s wrong with me.”

Shame can make people want to hide. It can create isolation and self-doubt, and when it feels too painful to face, it’s natural to look for ways to escape – and this is often where addiction begins.

What Is Shame?

Shame isn’t just an emotion; it’s something that can shape how we see ourselves. It often begins in childhood, especially if we were criticised, rejected or made to feel that who we were wasn’t acceptable.

Over time, these experiences can grow into deep-rooted beliefs such as “I’m bad,” “I don’t belong,” or “I’ll never be enough.” This is known as toxic shame, and it can affect every part of a person’s life – relationships, confidence and self-worth.

When toxic shame takes hold, it can lead to feelings of hopelessness or self-hatred. Many people turn to addictive behaviours to numb this pain or to feel some sense of control.

The Shame and Addiction Cycle

The relationship between shame and addiction can become a painful, self-reinforcing cycle:

1. Shame is triggered – A thought, memory or event stirs painful feelings of inadequacy or failure

2. Addiction offers escape – Alcohol, drugs, food, sex or compulsive behaviours provide temporary relief

3. Numbness and comfort – The person feels detached from shame, if only for a while

4. Consequences follow – Regret, guilt or damage to health and relationships appear

5. Shame intensifies – These consequences reinforce the belief that the person is “bad” or “broken”

6. The cycle repeats – Shame grows stronger and the need to escape increases

This cycle can feel impossible to break, but with the right support, it can be understood and transformed.

The Four Defences Against Shame

Psychologist Donald Nathanson described four ways people tend to respond to shame, known as the Compass of Shame:

• Withdrawal – Pulling away from others or hiding

• Attack Self – Turning the shame inward through self-criticism

• Attack Others – Redirecting shame outward through anger or blame

• Avoidance – Escaping shame with distraction or addiction

For many living with addiction, avoidance is the strongest response. Substances or behaviours become a shield against painful emotions, yet they deepen the disconnection that shame thrives on.

How Counselling Helps Break the Cycle

Healing begins with understanding and compassion. In counselling, shame can be brought into the open safely, without judgement.

A Humanistic approach focuses on empathy, acceptance and trust. The therapeutic relationship provides a secure base where you can explore shame, addiction and the emotions beneath them.

Key elements of this approach include:

• Unconditional positive regard – Feeling accepted as you are, without criticism

• Self-awareness – Understanding how shame has shaped your thoughts and behaviours

• Relational healing – Building trust and connection to replace shame with belonging

• Empowerment – Developing self-compassion and recognising your ability to choose differently

Some people also find support in 12-Step programmes such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA), or in SMART Recovery groups that combine structure with self-acceptance.

Moving Towards Self-Acceptance

Healing from shame isn’t about erasing the past; it’s about changing how you relate to yourself. Therapy can help you understand that your worth doesn’t depend on being perfect.

You can learn to recognise and challenge the messages shame taught you – that you’re unworthy, unlovable or broken. With time, compassion and support, you can begin to see yourself not through the lens of shame, but through acceptance and kindness.

Recovery is rarely linear, but every act of honesty and self-care is a step towards freedom.

Final Thoughts

If you’re living with shame and addiction, please know you are not alone. These struggles don’t mean you’re weak – they’re a sign of deep emotional pain that deserves care and understanding.

With the right support, it’s possible to move beyond shame and reconnect with your true self. Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but every small step matters.